Kiasu about not being Kiasu enough

Kiasu (traditional Chinese: 驚輸; Pe̍h-ōe-jī: kiaⁿ-su) is a Hokkien (a Chinese spoken variant) word that literally means 'fear of losing' (Mandarin Chinese: 怕输).

The countdown has officially begun. 1 week till I move into my hostel @ PGP, and 2 weeks before the first lecture begins. Already I am having nightmares about my life in university. The "what if" questions and a sense of 'lostness' eclipses any supposed 'first day of school' excitement. Never had I have to do so much in order just to hit the books; I even jokingly offered a $100 to anybody would settle all my administrative issues and just allow me to pack my school bag and turn up to school on the 1st of August . (or is it the 8th? 0.0!)

Looking back, it is with a startling revelation that I have not been a Singaporean student for almost 2 years! Imagine that! My friend Andri was already panicking when she did not study for 2 days!

During the whole gap year, it was with such joy that I enjoyed the luxury of not needing to be "Kiasu". I relished in going to bed not worrying about what I had to accomplish the next day, what work was to be handed in, who I had to meet with during the week, etc. I remembered a fb status that I wrote: "During this gap year, my greatest worry right now is getting the creases out of my skirt!" Honestly, I felt like I was obeying the words from James 4:13-14 or Matthew almost literally since I was really not making plans for the next day, month or year! (Don't worry, I am not wrongly interpreting all these verses! My scheduler is still very much intact in my bag.)

It is with a chuckle I recall all these, and I did have fun during the gap year. I went to places I never thought I would have gone, met people I could never imagine I would be friends with, grew and experienced perspectives that were priceless. Since the Lord planned my schedule, my walk with Him also was forged a step closer, and I enjoyed sweet moments of conversing with the Lord. (though I felt it was still a lot of me talking rather than the other way round)

So it is with great fear as I prepare to step into the world of being the "kiasu" singaporean student again; immersing myself in long queues of the photocopying machine, late nights of mugging with a double shot espresso at hand, rushing to 'chop' tables at the library, and renew my reservations at starbucks.

The thought that haunts me most is that I just may not fit into the correct stereotype anymore. After two years of not being "kiasu", I am not so sure I am ABLE to return to that life that I am educated to live.

Being born, bred and inculcated in the Singaporean education system, it is no wonder that there are still expectations (both personal as well as from others) and a longing to graduate with 1st class honours, get a good job, find a good husband, raise intelligent children....... and in between make sure that I stay ahead, if not at least keep up with the Joneses.

It is certainly frightening to think that I may not be able to deal with the work load, or just get simply lost in the madhatter around campus. In my mind, I envisioned the hardworking Gracia- plunging into lecture notes ahead of time, on top of the workload, finding good friends, and maintaining a good balance of work and play. RIGHT. But at the back of my mind, I am about 60% sure this ideal would fall apart and I should then prepare that I am not going to maintain the 3.5 GPA, go for overseas exchange programmes, hand in brilliang essays or drop my weight to 48kg. (DRATS on the last esp.)

Yet in all these, and taking time to ponder, the right question I should possibly ask is if I even WANT to return to the kiasu Singaporean student life I 'fondly' remember. Is there even a need to? There was a question I asked myself many times during my gap year- If God really was the center of my life, and His will driving mine, then if He calls me to not complete my degree, am I willing to make that sacrifice? Are Christians willing to make that sacrifice? What if this was the cross we had to take up everyday? The cross of expectations from the society, our schools, parents and friends? The cross that bears the weight of the 5Cs, the weight of getting into the ivy leagues, the weight of chasing the 'Singaporean' Dream- if it was to be named that.

It is with caution that I ask this- knowing the full importance and cruciality of the degree in the Singapore society. This is not a question asked out of laziness either, because it is with much humility needed even, as I consider the impacts if I made such a decision.

It could be said that- I want to be able to say: " I no longer consider the pursuit of a simple degree or even anything as precious as compared to the pursuit of knowing Christ my God" ~ Phil 3:8. I want to be able to set my eyes knowing that it is not me working for something ideal in this life, but me working for what He wants in my life.

So I may not be "kiasu" enough for Singapore, but I certainly hope I am "kiasu" enough for His word, His will in my life. :)

I'm a fool when it comes to love

I'd rather write you a letter and seal it with a kiss.

than look into your eyes, and not know what to say.

I'd sit by the bench, at the end of it. under the lamppost, thinking about you.

than for you to sit beside me and put your arm around me.

and for every tissue paper I find, I would fill it with my love,

and let it float away with the wind, and pray you would catch it. somehow.

I am nothing but a fool when it comes to love.

I haven't had the courage to say yes,

and always turn my heel.

I am scared to know whether it is real,

and even if it is,

I know I will make a fool out of love.

I'd rather wake up in the morning and think about you,

than for you to be on the phone all night

I'd rather listen to a happy tune,

than for you to sing a love song outside my window

and I would write a dozen love quotes on post-its,

and stick it all over the street, hoping you'll chance by it one day.

I am nothing but a fool when it comes to love,

I don't know the right way to say I do

and always shrug my shoulders

because if I say yes, I know for sure

I'd make a fool out of love.

i succumbed or I am finally doing it right

Well, I decided that I should start doing what normal bloggers do. "normal" as in what normal adolescents my age do. They blog about their life. Their conversations, what recently made them jump for joy, rocher beancurd, a recent break-up, the crazy teacher ... The reason to compel such writing fails me. Perhaps it is because I am running out on time that I can safely call myself a teenager. I mean, the lady at the ticketing booth at the esplanade almost didn't let me in on a student ticket. Perhaps it is because I am stuck in the staff room, with nothing to do but wait for my ipod to finish charging. Or perhaps, this is what I term - "a no-brainer blogging". After all, I am simply relating the day's events.

This is my last week in Naval Base Secondary. I have been here since March, experiencing sufficiently the life of a teacher to know that I need to experience the corporate work field before deciding on my vocation. It is amazing to see how teachers take on a different personality once they face 40 pairs of blank stares, (if they are lucky actually) and realize that what they teach goes in one ear and out the other. I don't blame them students. This is scientifically proven. We don't listen much to what people say.

If anything, I have enjoyed my time here. True, there were the times I really wanted to throw my hands up in despair when a delinquent here and there snooze in class or swagger to and fro in slippers. Yet, the interaction I have experienced with my students are no less satisfying. It is surprising perhaps, but I have to admit, I am going to miss stepping into a classroom and start calling out names all in effort to keep a class subdued. Even more so surprising is the knowledge that they probably will not see me as a teacher they will want to keep in contact and remember at their weddings, and vice versa, but yet, I can forsee that while their faces may be a blur in about 2 years, the experience was well worth it.

If anything, the short teaching experience showed me my limitations and my faults. I thought I spoke well enough in a crowd and knew well the social game. I thought long and hard for ways to make an impact on my students. What should I teach them so that they would at least take away something for the day? Then I realized that maybe if I turned the tables around a little bit, it could be much different. What if I would consider what I could take away that day? What could I learn today from them? How true it is then, that as I gain more exposure, I grow in awareness of how much more I have to learn. Taking a glimpse into a wider circle does that dosen't it?

ahh well. ipod is fully charged. time to head to the bank, see the nice increase in numbers and head off for one more round of tuition. FIGHTING!

I am but I do not know

As long as I remember,

I knew the famous cross

of the father's love for me,

and how He saved the lost

It's all I ever knew,

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my storm

y seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

I heard David and Goliath

before I close my eyes

Samuel and the prophets

I read them off my heart

It's all I ever knew

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my

knees,

my hands are

raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

I wanna say I am

I wanna say I do

The fear of knowing the truth

hids me away from you

That's all I ever know

and maybe nothing more

So tell me if I love you,

Oh tell me if I'm true

My heart is so broken

and I'm so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord let me hear you,

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord I hear you

(fades)

He watches, on the sidewalk

Why is it that the most fulfilling, the answer to every problem, the best food for the soul is in something unseen, unfelt, incomprehensible and so prone to doubt?

Why does He let the rainbow shine, but only after the rain? So

dim and so vague, we can easily miss it.

Why is it that God himself chooses to be so vague, so quiet? He seems like a person by the road, just quietly standing by, letting everyone walk him by.

Today

It's a cloud of drowsiness that hangs over me, suppressing thought and clarity.

The flurry of movement and senseless chatter only cause the eyelids to grow heavier

I occupy myself with doodling and writing, to keep from relenting to a call of sleep

The cause of such a state fails to reason, leaving me to question,

the reason of my presence- in the classroom

the moment (a sequel)

The stars are falling from the sky, sprinkling stardust in our eyes

My nose twitches, but I do not sneeze

They settle, and then disappear

So are the excitement and happiness I accumulate,

tears are dried up, time soothes the frustration,

Answers to my anxiety, not a solution but a response. expected.

Perhaps they are not of worth, and should be remembered not,

for what tomorrow brings, today does not matter.

. . . .

What will tomorrow bring?

I know and do not.

Today, not an investment for tomorrow

Laughter and tears dismissed to be replaced by another kind

They should not be forgotten though, or disappointed by

The fleeting emotions are marked in a diary, written at length

the ink itself fades out. slowly.

The pages may be stored and left to dust,

but maybe tomorrow, I will choose to relive yesterday's emotions

for yesterday's hopes to come alive,

to be laughed and even scorned

But at least for today, they are alive once more, to be felt and to hold

But at least, for the moment.

This moment is treasured