Kiasu (traditional Chinese: 驚輸; Pe̍h-ōe-jī: kiaⁿ-su) is a Hokkien (a Chinese spoken variant) word that literally means 'fear of losing' (Mandarin Chinese: 怕输).
The countdown has officially begun. 1 week till I move into my hostel @ PGP, and 2 weeks before the first lecture begins. Already I am having nightmares about my life in university. The "what if" questions and a sense of 'lostness' eclipses any supposed 'first day of school' excitement. Never had I have to do so much in order just to hit the books; I even jokingly offered a $100 to anybody would settle all my administrative issues and just allow me to pack my school bag and turn up to school on the 1st of August . (or is it the 8th? 0.0!)
Looking back, it is with a startling revelation that I have not been a Singaporean student for almost 2 years! Imagine that! My friend Andri was already panicking when she did not study for 2 days!
During the whole gap year, it was with such joy that I enjoyed the luxury of not needing to be "Kiasu". I relished in going to bed not worrying about what I had to accomplish the next day, what work was to be handed in, who I had to meet with during the week, etc. I remembered a fb status that I wrote: "During this gap year, my greatest worry right now is getting the creases out of my skirt!" Honestly, I felt like I was obeying the words from James 4:13-14 or Matthew almost literally since I was really not making plans for the next day, month or year! (Don't worry, I am not wrongly interpreting all these verses! My scheduler is still very much intact in my bag.)
It is with a chuckle I recall all these, and I did have fun during the gap year. I went to places I never thought I would have gone, met people I could never imagine I would be friends with, grew and experienced perspectives that were priceless. Since the Lord planned my schedule, my walk with Him also was forged a step closer, and I enjoyed sweet moments of conversing with the Lord. (though I felt it was still a lot of me talking rather than the other way round)
So it is with great fear as I prepare to step into the world of being the "kiasu" singaporean student again; immersing myself in long queues of the photocopying machine, late nights of mugging with a double shot espresso at hand, rushing to 'chop' tables at the library, and renew my reservations at starbucks.
The thought that haunts me most is that I just may not fit into the correct stereotype anymore. After two years of not being "kiasu", I am not so sure I am ABLE to return to that life that I am educated to live.
Being born, bred and inculcated in the Singaporean education system, it is no wonder that there are still expectations (both personal as well as from others) and a longing to graduate with 1st class honours, get a good job, find a good husband, raise intelligent children....... and in between make sure that I stay ahead, if not at least keep up with the Joneses.
It is certainly frightening to think that I may not be able to deal with the work load, or just get simply lost in the madhatter around campus. In my mind, I envisioned the hardworking Gracia- plunging into lecture notes ahead of time, on top of the workload, finding good friends, and maintaining a good balance of work and play. RIGHT. But at the back of my mind, I am about 60% sure this ideal would fall apart and I should then prepare that I am not going to maintain the 3.5 GPA, go for overseas exchange programmes, hand in brilliang essays or drop my weight to 48kg. (DRATS on the last esp.)
Yet in all these, and taking time to ponder, the right question I should possibly ask is if I even WANT to return to the kiasu Singaporean student life I 'fondly' remember. Is there even a need to? There was a question I asked myself many times during my gap year- If God really was the center of my life, and His will driving mine, then if He calls me to not complete my degree, am I willing to make that sacrifice? Are Christians willing to make that sacrifice? What if this was the cross we had to take up everyday? The cross of expectations from the society, our schools, parents and friends? The cross that bears the weight of the 5Cs, the weight of getting into the ivy leagues, the weight of chasing the 'Singaporean' Dream- if it was to be named that.
It is with caution that I ask this- knowing the full importance and cruciality of the degree in the Singapore society. This is not a question asked out of laziness either, because it is with much humility needed even, as I consider the impacts if I made such a decision.
It could be said that- I want to be able to say: " I no longer consider the pursuit of a simple degree or even anything as precious as compared to the pursuit of knowing Christ my God" ~ Phil 3:8. I want to be able to set my eyes knowing that it is not me working for something ideal in this life, but me working for what He wants in my life.
So I may not be "kiasu" enough for Singapore, but I certainly hope I am "kiasu" enough for His word, His will in my life. :)
