i succumbed or I am finally doing it right

Well, I decided that I should start doing what normal bloggers do. "normal" as in what normal adolescents my age do. They blog about their life. Their conversations, what recently made them jump for joy, rocher beancurd, a recent break-up, the crazy teacher ... The reason to compel such writing fails me. Perhaps it is because I am running out on time that I can safely call myself a teenager. I mean, the lady at the ticketing booth at the esplanade almost didn't let me in on a student ticket. Perhaps it is because I am stuck in the staff room, with nothing to do but wait for my ipod to finish charging. Or perhaps, this is what I term - "a no-brainer blogging". After all, I am simply relating the day's events.

This is my last week in Naval Base Secondary. I have been here since March, experiencing sufficiently the life of a teacher to know that I need to experience the corporate work field before deciding on my vocation. It is amazing to see how teachers take on a different personality once they face 40 pairs of blank stares, (if they are lucky actually) and realize that what they teach goes in one ear and out the other. I don't blame them students. This is scientifically proven. We don't listen much to what people say.

If anything, I have enjoyed my time here. True, there were the times I really wanted to throw my hands up in despair when a delinquent here and there snooze in class or swagger to and fro in slippers. Yet, the interaction I have experienced with my students are no less satisfying. It is surprising perhaps, but I have to admit, I am going to miss stepping into a classroom and start calling out names all in effort to keep a class subdued. Even more so surprising is the knowledge that they probably will not see me as a teacher they will want to keep in contact and remember at their weddings, and vice versa, but yet, I can forsee that while their faces may be a blur in about 2 years, the experience was well worth it.

If anything, the short teaching experience showed me my limitations and my faults. I thought I spoke well enough in a crowd and knew well the social game. I thought long and hard for ways to make an impact on my students. What should I teach them so that they would at least take away something for the day? Then I realized that maybe if I turned the tables around a little bit, it could be much different. What if I would consider what I could take away that day? What could I learn today from them? How true it is then, that as I gain more exposure, I grow in awareness of how much more I have to learn. Taking a glimpse into a wider circle does that dosen't it?

ahh well. ipod is fully charged. time to head to the bank, see the nice increase in numbers and head off for one more round of tuition. FIGHTING!

I am but I do not know

As long as I remember,

I knew the famous cross

of the father's love for me,

and how He saved the lost

It's all I ever knew,

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my storm

y seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

I heard David and Goliath

before I close my eyes

Samuel and the prophets

I read them off my heart

It's all I ever knew

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my

knees,

my hands are

raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

I wanna say I am

I wanna say I do

The fear of knowing the truth

hids me away from you

That's all I ever know

and maybe nothing more

So tell me if I love you,

Oh tell me if I'm true

My heart is so broken

and I'm so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord let me hear you,

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord I hear you

(fades)

He watches, on the sidewalk

Why is it that the most fulfilling, the answer to every problem, the best food for the soul is in something unseen, unfelt, incomprehensible and so prone to doubt?

Why does He let the rainbow shine, but only after the rain? So

dim and so vague, we can easily miss it.

Why is it that God himself chooses to be so vague, so quiet? He seems like a person by the road, just quietly standing by, letting everyone walk him by.

Today

It's a cloud of drowsiness that hangs over me, suppressing thought and clarity.

The flurry of movement and senseless chatter only cause the eyelids to grow heavier

I occupy myself with doodling and writing, to keep from relenting to a call of sleep

The cause of such a state fails to reason, leaving me to question,

the reason of my presence- in the classroom

the moment (a sequel)

The stars are falling from the sky, sprinkling stardust in our eyes

My nose twitches, but I do not sneeze

They settle, and then disappear

So are the excitement and happiness I accumulate,

tears are dried up, time soothes the frustration,

Answers to my anxiety, not a solution but a response. expected.

Perhaps they are not of worth, and should be remembered not,

for what tomorrow brings, today does not matter.

. . . .

What will tomorrow bring?

I know and do not.

Today, not an investment for tomorrow

Laughter and tears dismissed to be replaced by another kind

They should not be forgotten though, or disappointed by

The fleeting emotions are marked in a diary, written at length

the ink itself fades out. slowly.

The pages may be stored and left to dust,

but maybe tomorrow, I will choose to relive yesterday's emotions

for yesterday's hopes to come alive,

to be laughed and even scorned

But at least for today, they are alive once more, to be felt and to hold

But at least, for the moment.

This moment is treasured

a letter to my future husband

Well I am not so sure what exactly came over me to write such a strange post. Perhaps its not entirely too strange really. After all, don't we all look to the future in anticipation for something? Also, more often than not, that "something" is finding THE one, and this applies to both sides of the gender spectrum. So I guess, this post is not entirely unexpected. It is something we all have battled in our minds, discussed with our besties and wish for in our prayers. So since, this is something we are familiar with, why not pen it down?

I think more importantly, I hope this is from all the ladies to their future husbands-to-be out there. Anyway, here goes:

Dear sir,

perhaps, it is highly unnecessary to introduce myself. I am not quite sure when or where or how you are going to be reading this. I guess it is rather strange for someone to write to another who does not quite exist in her mind as well. I don't know your name, what you do or what you like; but I guess someone up there does and is taking good care of you right now.

I thought I'd let you know that that someone up there is taking real good care of me too. He is preparing me for you, I am sure of that. I am still a little rough around the edges, but I am slowly working hard to refine myself. It is tough work, and I feel that I will still fall short of the ideal lady I hope to be. Embracing ideas like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control- are really not easy. I still get impatient over many small things, and wish I could be a lot more gentle with my words. I can only wait in faith that the creator knows me best, and somewhere within me, there is that fruit of the spirit ready to blossom when the time is right.

I once read that an excellent wife is worth far more than rubies. As I read on, I can't help but I feel I am going to fall short of many of the qualities. How do I rise while it is still night, and work with my hands in delight? How do I speak only wisdom and gird myself with strength? Yet, I do know one thing - I smile at the future. I know that as the years go by, each quality I will learn and embrace. So that when the day doth come, I am a lady that you will call me blessed.

It remains a mystery who you are; you could be right under my nose, you could be on the other side of the world. I used to have a check-list of my must-haves in a husband, but I now only pray that you will patient for me, as I am for you. I no longer set expectations, because I entrust them to the Lord, that He provides as best fit. I realise that when we do meet, I will still fall short of the ideal and so will you. Yet, I think it is okay. This only poses a more exciting project, for us to grow and change in the Lord together.

So as I clasp my hands together and close my eyes, I pray that He who knows all will take care of you; whoever you are, wherever you are. I pray He will watch over you, and will always be your guide.

With much love,

your future wife.

without a doubt, this is probably the weirdest, most awkward post I have ever written. Congrats to myself!

hollywood got it right?

Recently, I caught the movie - Sex and the City 2. I never watched the first movie, only catching 20mins of it on the plane, and switched it off after realising it wasn't the most value-added show from the catalogue.
I am not here to say the 2nd edition deserves another rating less than an M18, but the movie got me thinking about how I viewed friendship and ... well. romance. The movie definitely does nothing good to the consumerist society, no doubt. (the fashion is pretty much a good reason to catch the show, with a few exceptions on sarah jessica parker) But as I observed the relationship between Carrie and her husband, Mr. Big, I realised how critical and perhaps even, shallow my judgment of relationships are.

While watching the movie (and laughing a great deal all the while, many thanks to Samantha), I observed critically the fluctuating relationship between Carrie and Big which both desperately try to keep afloat. While both cared for one another genuinely, I wondered if their materialistic gains and need to appear like the 'all-rounded got-it-all-together NY couple' trumped a realistic romance simply based on emotions. In other words, I wondered if Carrie and Big tried to live the fairy-tale romance so much, they could not create real-life romance.

But what really is the fairy-tale romance? The one where starts of with 'Once upon a time', ends with 'Happily ever after' and have our fair, beautiful princess coupled with our crinkled-faced witch? That, as I realised, is the fairy-tale romance that 10 year-olds understand. But at 18 right now, in the 21st century, I realised I had created my own fairy-tale romance, thinking that outside this box, none checked my 'correct relationship' list.
So, at 18 years of age, my fairy-tale romance looks as such - A man and a woman, good christian family, loyal and loving. 2 children (or 4... yup, I am all about even numbers), homely home. The housewife, the man coming home to a warm meal at 7pm. The occasional family squabbles, the happy family picnics, throw in family devotions.. fast-forward 50 years, two loving retired couples sitting under the night sky, holding each other's hands, not saying a word, but in perfect harmony.
As I looked at Carrie and Big's marriage, where there was no children and a posh home that looked more like a hotel, I straightaway striked off this relationship as non-exemplary. But what did I know about relationships? Who was I to say this was right and wrong? As Carrie and Big said - They were adults, they were allowed to design their marriage that suited them best. If they realised that they needed 2 days a week off from each other, who was to say this was the inappropriate marriage? I guess there is that line to be drawn, where a marriage can't be unique as on the verge of turning unnatural. Yet, it was a rude awakening to me, realising that I had created my own version of a 'fairy-tale romance' and I needed to see reality.

Perhaps, I need to start to picture- a family where the dad may not be around every day, only appearing once a month due to work overseas. A child that is rebellious and hates the family. And see that in all these, it is still a family. A family commissioned by God, and loved by the creator. I was watching supernanny, and I realised how apt it was.

What did I get from it? No don't worry, I am not in a fantasy that tells me even if I have a dysfunctional family, there is the light at the end of the tunnel. No, I think family problems are permanently existent, and often, the problems themselves are routinely consistent. I started off watching the first five minutes of the episode thinking, " good grief, this is a show that just encourages late marriage with no children. Bye bye government hopes of increasing the fertility rate" But I somehow stayed on, not fathoming why. The last five minutes, however, struck a chord.

The father said this, "I walked around before, not realising that the dream family I wanted was right under my nose"

I guess, while I have painted a fantasy picture of a family, this fantasy can be realised. What I needed to comprehend, was that this fantasy is going to be just a few rare moments, and most of the time - 98% of the time, pure torture. I remembered a line from the show - "The Back-up plan". This guy goes, "Most of the day I think, what the heck am I doing as a father? Then, there is that one moment, that makes me realise that it is all worth it". That guy is lucky, he gets one of those "fantasy" moments daily. Most of the week, these moments don't even get a whiff.

So how then? Are these rare moments of fantasy worthwhile? Should we just stay within the comfort zone? Don't marry, or if you do, stick to you and your partner. Heck, if developed countries have a lower fertility rate, other countries can make up for it. After all, why subject ourselves to the cries of children, invest our time in lives that could otherwise be spas, shopping and romantic get-aways?

We may never know. If i did, I could have solved a huge social problem. But at the last scene of supernanny, I got a clue. The 2 sisters sat in front of the camera; and suddenly, Lizzie the younger sister turned around and gave the elder sister a BIG HUG. and gave her a kiss. While there were no words exchanged, both faces lit up like angels. All of a sudden, all fighting, squabbling and hateful words evaporated from memory. At that moment, they were two sisters who loved one another and wouldn't exchange another to replace the other person.

So there. My dream family will never realise. I may have kids that possibly drive me crazy half the time. But then, I think that for a majority of parents... they would go through all the craziness to see that twinkle in the eye and the mega chocolate-smeared smile on their kid's face.