monotonous desire

Lately I have been pondering over my integrity towards my hearts desire of my service to God. I realized that while I truly wished to see my friends come to Christ, see my CG girls grow into women of Christ and see myself mature in God’s word, I am approaching a state of what I term –‘monotonous desire’.

It struck me one night while I was praying for the salvation of some of my close friends. It dawned upon me that my prayer for them had become routine. Not ritualistic, I don’t consider my prayer as compulsory but a sincere desire to see my friends experience the same love I have experienced, and for myself to be that living testimony. Yet, I repeat almost the same words, praying the same thing, and not quite making that difference. Have I lost the fire then? What has happened?

I realized that my desire was real. Or rather, I had the desire to have the desire for them. It was sincere and heartfelt but it did not necessarily bring me to my knees all the time, nor did I weep in tears for their salvation. I did not spend my day either in my workplace being the ‘living testimony’ as I hope to be, I do not send encouraging Bible verses to these people that I pray for and neither do I see them on a regular basis. My opportunity to interact with them and see my prayer have a chance to produce fruit is small.

I believe our Christian journey is as such. We sometimes reach a spiritual high, our cup overflows with such joy that we could almost dance and give praise in the streets like King David. But for a majority of the Christian walk, it is a slow monotonous walk. Do we still want to reach the goal? YES! Do we know what we are working towards? YES! The Christian journey is not always a sprint or even a jog. It isn’t even a skip or a dance down the happy gospel road. No, the road trip is really long, so we just walk.

I believe walking is an act of faithfulness in itself. I like to think of an analogy from the Bible – the march of the Israelites in the Wilderness for 40 years. Recently, Loy showed the interns pictures of where the actual Wilderness was. The wilderness was not a land flowing of milk and honey, but rather cold hard rocks where the weather is at odds with your wishes, and no soft place to lie your head on. It is here, where the Israelites spent 40 years in circles. We know the story- they complain, they grumble. I think that their grumbling and complaining is understandable. Not forgivable, but comprehensible.

Yet in their complaints, God kept faithful – Deuteronomy 29:5 says “During the forty years that I led you through the desert, your clothes did not wear out, nor did the sandals on your feet.” Our Christian journey may be tiresome, and it will last for tens of years, but God has promised that He will be faithful. He will not wear out our sandals or our clothes. With the gospel of peace on our feet, the breastplate of righteousness and the belt of truth, we put on the full armor of God that can last for more than 40 years.

So for the next forty years at least, just keep walking. Its alright if we dont run or dance to a rhythm that sometimes disappear. But dont give up, dont stop. Just keep walking in faith even with a monotonous desire.