5th march. young faces. clothes carefully picked to impress. dyed hair. 4 inch heels. and a couple of shaved heads. we walk into the gathering. parquet tiles. the stage, with the stand ready for the principal's address. Some whisper in excited tones. Hugs among a couple of the mascara-lined faces.
On the 2nd floor of the hall, the J2 students sit. Some bored. Some look out for friends. and there are those plugged into an electronic device to shut out the entire world. Bystanders. Yet, in about one revolution of the earth around the sun's axis, they will find themselves in the shoes of those in the above paragraph. Yet. They continue existing as they should. for now, as they think best fit.
I smile as I see familiar faces, grab an arm or two. Linking arms, and with a thumping heart. I await for my fate. We find the assigned line. I continue observing the familiar faces, but in very different costumes. Sigh. The JC masquerade is always full-time. But well, we gather here for the very last time. To be assigned our fate for at least the next 3-4 years.
. Tick. Tock.
Teachers arrive. I prefer not to meet them. They carry the answers to the questions in our mind. Every body language from them, a smile, a glance even, carries a hope and a sinking feeling in the stomach- that is highly based on the prevading 'worse case scenario' thoughts in my mind. Yet, my not so like-minded friends seem to think otherwise. High-pitched voices. Yes. I guess I have nowhere else to go.
Hi Mr. so-and-so! Oh my gosh! You know our results right?! How did I do?! PLEASE PLEASE!
Oh. The arrival of the one we await for has arrived. Teachers take their place. In front of their assigned rows. They stare. some straight-ahead. Some flip through the brochures. Still others share light-hearted, meaningless conversations with the whosoevers. Right. The woman speaks.
". . . this year . . . expectations. . . national . . . As . . . YJC . . teachers. . . you. . "
'can she just cut the crap?'
'lol'
. . . results. . . comparatively . . . "
sighs. a flip in my stomach.
this is where the game begins.
scene 1: the favourable.
and now for the top scorers.
For those who scored 3 H2 A's...
DEEP BREATH.
"... "
"..." (ahh. knew she would get it)
"..." (WOW. didn't expect him to be up there!)
"..." (aiyah.expected.)
"..."
"..."
"..." (why all science students!)
the 4 A's ...
DEEP DEEP BREATH
the 5 A's ...
"..."
"..."
"..."
(Hey Gracia! isn't That YOUR NAME!!)
(OMY GAWSH! GRACIA!!)
my heart stops, my breathing unsteady.
WAIT.
thats my name.
5 As.
resonate that.
equal that.
( GET UP THERE U GOOSE!)
Tears. I smile. Joy. I lift my eyes heavenward. and in the depths of my heart.
I say 'thank you. father'. and I switch on my phone, and make the necessary calls.
Scene 2: the dreaded
and now for the top scorers.
For those who scored 3 H2 A's...
DEEP BREATH.
"... "
"..." (ahh. knew she would get it)
"..." (WOW. didn't expect him to be up there!)
"..." (aiyah.expected.)
"..."
"..."
"..." (why all science students!)
the 4 A's ..
the 5 A's ... and this year's top scorer is ... ..
congratulations to all students. Now your teachers will hand out your certs by your register number. Remember to collect the relevant brochures. Good Luck to you all, and have a great future ahead.
the rumble of noise. Everyone gathers to their feet.
Teachers fulfill their task.
Screams. the sound of cheers, hoorays, YESes, go out into the air. Smiles. Tears of elation. They belong to the hard workers, the dilligent. The ones who day by day, try their best, listen to lectures, hand in their tutorials. Deserving students. They now reap their rewards that they have slogged hard for.
Then. There is the flip-side of the recipients. and I belong to this category. We too shed tears. But we remain silent. The point where I wish the world would just go away, and this was all a nightmare. But reality. I live in my nightmare. Where can I go from here? How am I going to face everyone? 2 years. I guess I should have known. But. 2 years. And this is where I arrive to. . . No. No amount of comfort, words, encouragement can make me feel better. Don't even try Mr. so and so.. Just let me be. I look over at the smiling faces. Why can't I be part of that group?
. . .
Well. I guess this is where I say. Which do I end up with? In just one more week.
One of the scenarios will suffice. Perhaps a third one will, one that involves mediocre grades that will probably be as good as scene 2. ahh well thoughts. I don't understand how any of this will make me feel any better. But I guess its a good laugh. I think this is the best I can come up with, at 3 in the morning and on a hungry stomach.
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Saturday, 20 February 2010
the cool night breeze & a CNY steamboat dinner
FOREWORD: I started this entry on the train, contemplating on those magical four words. Then I realised the perfect ending to this entry, was the perfect message I received from a friend that ended today. perfectly.
Take a moment and savour those four words -- "the cool night breeze". Simple, clear and succinct. So clear, its almost transparent. No need to ponder and struggle with it, just a clear simple message. Like a pause in life for
Take a moment and savour those four words -- "the cool night breeze". Simple, clear and succinct. So clear, its almost transparent. No need to ponder and struggle with it, just a clear simple message. Like a pause in life for
1. 2. 3. 4. 5 seconds.
What a perfect way to describe this moment as I sit next to my window, contemplating on today's events and my unfinished thoughts.
I guess thats how some people are described as 'a breath of fresh air' That's how it must feel. Like a cool night breeze. Not a wind, just a breeze mind you, like a small "puff...." It just blows through you, allowing you to taste, just taste its goodness, its sweetness. But leaves you quickly, leaving the recipent thirsty for more.
That's why I stay still, or we sometimes do. Hoping for that fresh breeze of air to gently brush past us again. So the momentary pause in life is an enjoyable lag, a much needed caught breath amidst our hurried life.
The best group of people I believe have a 'breath of fresh air' tag are hung around the necks of children. Yup, little men and little women. With their chubby cheeks and toufu looking arms and thighs, eyes that stare into nothing but possess a wonder that tells you they see everything.
Children, they are like that breath of fresh air. Innocent, simple, a delight. When in a compliant mood, the stars in their eyes makes your day. When they, without so much as a thought, climb into your lap, a warmth spreads through your heart. When they laugh, hug you, smile, say 'Da da' or 'Ma ma', the cool night breeze brushes past you, and you drink it in, relishing that moment.
Life presents these occasional cool night breezes. They past by quickly, often going unnoticed. Of course we all do experience it, that's why we relish it so when it swings by. But today, I realised one thing. These cool night breezes are not a rarity. They are not some exotic gift that we have to wrap our heads around to find.
Rather, such cool night breezes are often, just round the corner, right under our noses. Often, if we just took slower steps, looked around instead of ahead all the time, the cool night breezes come by pretty often.
And that's what Amanda Yaw from my CG taught me today. After a fabulous steamboat dinner with the CG, I recieved a text message from her, thanking every CG member for their contribution in whatever way to the dinner. That struck me. In just one day, there were that many blessings. That many things that people, not children mind you, did that could warm any individual's heart. There were that many breaths of fresh air. And yet, I walked through the entire day, without realising it. And it took an sms, a whole session of 'count your blessing' and a $10 dinner to make me realise that.
Such is the cost for learning how to appreciate the small things in life. And you'd have thought, it was cliche enough a lesson. But when you think you are all charged up, we sometimes need the continuation of re-charging. Perhaps in a new perspective, perhaps in a new situation... But we can never quite reach "full battery" status.
I recently completed reading "the essence of the thing". But what is "the essence of the thing" truly? Finding that special someone? striking gold? spending time in service for God? Hanging out with friends? Shopping maybe? I guess there is no answer. The essence of the thing lies in... the thing. The breath of fresh air... lies everywhere. It is simply put, already there. It only needs us to pause, pull on the brakes, perhaps do a U-Turn, or just throw your head over your shoulder, and you will find the very thing that
What a perfect way to describe this moment as I sit next to my window, contemplating on today's events and my unfinished thoughts.
I guess thats how some people are described as 'a breath of fresh air' That's how it must feel. Like a cool night breeze. Not a wind, just a breeze mind you, like a small "puff...." It just blows through you, allowing you to taste, just taste its goodness, its sweetness. But leaves you quickly, leaving the recipent thirsty for more.
That's why I stay still, or we sometimes do. Hoping for that fresh breeze of air to gently brush past us again. So the momentary pause in life is an enjoyable lag, a much needed caught breath amidst our hurried life.
The best group of people I believe have a 'breath of fresh air' tag are hung around the necks of children. Yup, little men and little women. With their chubby cheeks and toufu looking arms and thighs, eyes that stare into nothing but possess a wonder that tells you they see everything.
Children, they are like that breath of fresh air. Innocent, simple, a delight. When in a compliant mood, the stars in their eyes makes your day. When they, without so much as a thought, climb into your lap, a warmth spreads through your heart. When they laugh, hug you, smile, say 'Da da' or 'Ma ma', the cool night breeze brushes past you, and you drink it in, relishing that moment.
Life presents these occasional cool night breezes. They past by quickly, often going unnoticed. Of course we all do experience it, that's why we relish it so when it swings by. But today, I realised one thing. These cool night breezes are not a rarity. They are not some exotic gift that we have to wrap our heads around to find.
Rather, such cool night breezes are often, just round the corner, right under our noses. Often, if we just took slower steps, looked around instead of ahead all the time, the cool night breezes come by pretty often.
And that's what Amanda Yaw from my CG taught me today. After a fabulous steamboat dinner with the CG, I recieved a text message from her, thanking every CG member for their contribution in whatever way to the dinner. That struck me. In just one day, there were that many blessings. That many things that people, not children mind you, did that could warm any individual's heart. There were that many breaths of fresh air. And yet, I walked through the entire day, without realising it. And it took an sms, a whole session of 'count your blessing' and a $10 dinner to make me realise that.
Such is the cost for learning how to appreciate the small things in life. And you'd have thought, it was cliche enough a lesson. But when you think you are all charged up, we sometimes need the continuation of re-charging. Perhaps in a new perspective, perhaps in a new situation... But we can never quite reach "full battery" status.
I recently completed reading "the essence of the thing". But what is "the essence of the thing" truly? Finding that special someone? striking gold? spending time in service for God? Hanging out with friends? Shopping maybe? I guess there is no answer. The essence of the thing lies in... the thing. The breath of fresh air... lies everywhere. It is simply put, already there. It only needs us to pause, pull on the brakes, perhaps do a U-Turn, or just throw your head over your shoulder, and you will find the very thing that
warms your heart
makes you smile
create the twinkle in your eye
and allows you to look back ahead once more in life, and with a light spring in your step, you walk with your head held high to the world, with the biggest smile you painted on yourself. Because. you found
makes you smile
create the twinkle in your eye
and allows you to look back ahead once more in life, and with a light spring in your step, you walk with your head held high to the world, with the biggest smile you painted on yourself. Because. you found
the cool night breeze.
"oh body swayed to music,
O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?'
"oh body swayed to music,
O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?'
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