I am but I do not know

As long as I remember,

I knew the famous cross

of the father's love for me,

and how He saved the lost

It's all I ever knew,

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my storm

y seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

I heard David and Goliath

before I close my eyes

Samuel and the prophets

I read them off my heart

It's all I ever knew

I never questioned why it's true

chorus:

Do I really love you?

Am I really true?

My heart is so broken

and I'm oh so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my

knees,

my hands are

raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord, where are you?

I wanna say I am

I wanna say I do

The fear of knowing the truth

hids me away from you

That's all I ever know

and maybe nothing more

So tell me if I love you,

Oh tell me if I'm true

My heart is so broken

and I'm so confused

You walked my stormy seas

You set my heart ablaze

My tears fall to my knees,

my hands are raised

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord let me hear you,

doo doo oo doo doo doo,

Lord I hear you

(fades)

He watches, on the sidewalk

Why is it that the most fulfilling, the answer to every problem, the best food for the soul is in something unseen, unfelt, incomprehensible and so prone to doubt?

Why does He let the rainbow shine, but only after the rain? So

dim and so vague, we can easily miss it.

Why is it that God himself chooses to be so vague, so quiet? He seems like a person by the road, just quietly standing by, letting everyone walk him by.

Today

It's a cloud of drowsiness that hangs over me, suppressing thought and clarity.

The flurry of movement and senseless chatter only cause the eyelids to grow heavier

I occupy myself with doodling and writing, to keep from relenting to a call of sleep

The cause of such a state fails to reason, leaving me to question,

the reason of my presence- in the classroom

the moment (a sequel)

The stars are falling from the sky, sprinkling stardust in our eyes

My nose twitches, but I do not sneeze

They settle, and then disappear

So are the excitement and happiness I accumulate,

tears are dried up, time soothes the frustration,

Answers to my anxiety, not a solution but a response. expected.

Perhaps they are not of worth, and should be remembered not,

for what tomorrow brings, today does not matter.

. . . .

What will tomorrow bring?

I know and do not.

Today, not an investment for tomorrow

Laughter and tears dismissed to be replaced by another kind

They should not be forgotten though, or disappointed by

The fleeting emotions are marked in a diary, written at length

the ink itself fades out. slowly.

The pages may be stored and left to dust,

but maybe tomorrow, I will choose to relive yesterday's emotions

for yesterday's hopes to come alive,

to be laughed and even scorned

But at least for today, they are alive once more, to be felt and to hold

But at least, for the moment.

This moment is treasured

a letter to my future husband

Well I am not so sure what exactly came over me to write such a strange post. Perhaps its not entirely too strange really. After all, don't we all look to the future in anticipation for something? Also, more often than not, that "something" is finding THE one, and this applies to both sides of the gender spectrum. So I guess, this post is not entirely unexpected. It is something we all have battled in our minds, discussed with our besties and wish for in our prayers. So since, this is something we are familiar with, why not pen it down?

I think more importantly, I hope this is from all the ladies to their future husbands-to-be out there. Anyway, here goes:

Dear sir,

perhaps, it is highly unnecessary to introduce myself. I am not quite sure when or where or how you are going to be reading this. I guess it is rather strange for someone to write to another who does not quite exist in her mind as well. I don't know your name, what you do or what you like; but I guess someone up there does and is taking good care of you right now.

I thought I'd let you know that that someone up there is taking real good care of me too. He is preparing me for you, I am sure of that. I am still a little rough around the edges, but I am slowly working hard to refine myself. It is tough work, and I feel that I will still fall short of the ideal lady I hope to be. Embracing ideas like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control- are really not easy. I still get impatient over many small things, and wish I could be a lot more gentle with my words. I can only wait in faith that the creator knows me best, and somewhere within me, there is that fruit of the spirit ready to blossom when the time is right.

I once read that an excellent wife is worth far more than rubies. As I read on, I can't help but I feel I am going to fall short of many of the qualities. How do I rise while it is still night, and work with my hands in delight? How do I speak only wisdom and gird myself with strength? Yet, I do know one thing - I smile at the future. I know that as the years go by, each quality I will learn and embrace. So that when the day doth come, I am a lady that you will call me blessed.

It remains a mystery who you are; you could be right under my nose, you could be on the other side of the world. I used to have a check-list of my must-haves in a husband, but I now only pray that you will patient for me, as I am for you. I no longer set expectations, because I entrust them to the Lord, that He provides as best fit. I realise that when we do meet, I will still fall short of the ideal and so will you. Yet, I think it is okay. This only poses a more exciting project, for us to grow and change in the Lord together.

So as I clasp my hands together and close my eyes, I pray that He who knows all will take care of you; whoever you are, wherever you are. I pray He will watch over you, and will always be your guide.

With much love,

your future wife.

without a doubt, this is probably the weirdest, most awkward post I have ever written. Congrats to myself!

hollywood got it right?

Recently, I caught the movie - Sex and the City 2. I never watched the first movie, only catching 20mins of it on the plane, and switched it off after realising it wasn't the most value-added show from the catalogue.
I am not here to say the 2nd edition deserves another rating less than an M18, but the movie got me thinking about how I viewed friendship and ... well. romance. The movie definitely does nothing good to the consumerist society, no doubt. (the fashion is pretty much a good reason to catch the show, with a few exceptions on sarah jessica parker) But as I observed the relationship between Carrie and her husband, Mr. Big, I realised how critical and perhaps even, shallow my judgment of relationships are.

While watching the movie (and laughing a great deal all the while, many thanks to Samantha), I observed critically the fluctuating relationship between Carrie and Big which both desperately try to keep afloat. While both cared for one another genuinely, I wondered if their materialistic gains and need to appear like the 'all-rounded got-it-all-together NY couple' trumped a realistic romance simply based on emotions. In other words, I wondered if Carrie and Big tried to live the fairy-tale romance so much, they could not create real-life romance.

But what really is the fairy-tale romance? The one where starts of with 'Once upon a time', ends with 'Happily ever after' and have our fair, beautiful princess coupled with our crinkled-faced witch? That, as I realised, is the fairy-tale romance that 10 year-olds understand. But at 18 right now, in the 21st century, I realised I had created my own fairy-tale romance, thinking that outside this box, none checked my 'correct relationship' list.
So, at 18 years of age, my fairy-tale romance looks as such - A man and a woman, good christian family, loyal and loving. 2 children (or 4... yup, I am all about even numbers), homely home. The housewife, the man coming home to a warm meal at 7pm. The occasional family squabbles, the happy family picnics, throw in family devotions.. fast-forward 50 years, two loving retired couples sitting under the night sky, holding each other's hands, not saying a word, but in perfect harmony.
As I looked at Carrie and Big's marriage, where there was no children and a posh home that looked more like a hotel, I straightaway striked off this relationship as non-exemplary. But what did I know about relationships? Who was I to say this was right and wrong? As Carrie and Big said - They were adults, they were allowed to design their marriage that suited them best. If they realised that they needed 2 days a week off from each other, who was to say this was the inappropriate marriage? I guess there is that line to be drawn, where a marriage can't be unique as on the verge of turning unnatural. Yet, it was a rude awakening to me, realising that I had created my own version of a 'fairy-tale romance' and I needed to see reality.

Perhaps, I need to start to picture- a family where the dad may not be around every day, only appearing once a month due to work overseas. A child that is rebellious and hates the family. And see that in all these, it is still a family. A family commissioned by God, and loved by the creator. I was watching supernanny, and I realised how apt it was.

What did I get from it? No don't worry, I am not in a fantasy that tells me even if I have a dysfunctional family, there is the light at the end of the tunnel. No, I think family problems are permanently existent, and often, the problems themselves are routinely consistent. I started off watching the first five minutes of the episode thinking, " good grief, this is a show that just encourages late marriage with no children. Bye bye government hopes of increasing the fertility rate" But I somehow stayed on, not fathoming why. The last five minutes, however, struck a chord.

The father said this, "I walked around before, not realising that the dream family I wanted was right under my nose"

I guess, while I have painted a fantasy picture of a family, this fantasy can be realised. What I needed to comprehend, was that this fantasy is going to be just a few rare moments, and most of the time - 98% of the time, pure torture. I remembered a line from the show - "The Back-up plan". This guy goes, "Most of the day I think, what the heck am I doing as a father? Then, there is that one moment, that makes me realise that it is all worth it". That guy is lucky, he gets one of those "fantasy" moments daily. Most of the week, these moments don't even get a whiff.

So how then? Are these rare moments of fantasy worthwhile? Should we just stay within the comfort zone? Don't marry, or if you do, stick to you and your partner. Heck, if developed countries have a lower fertility rate, other countries can make up for it. After all, why subject ourselves to the cries of children, invest our time in lives that could otherwise be spas, shopping and romantic get-aways?

We may never know. If i did, I could have solved a huge social problem. But at the last scene of supernanny, I got a clue. The 2 sisters sat in front of the camera; and suddenly, Lizzie the younger sister turned around and gave the elder sister a BIG HUG. and gave her a kiss. While there were no words exchanged, both faces lit up like angels. All of a sudden, all fighting, squabbling and hateful words evaporated from memory. At that moment, they were two sisters who loved one another and wouldn't exchange another to replace the other person.

So there. My dream family will never realise. I may have kids that possibly drive me crazy half the time. But then, I think that for a majority of parents... they would go through all the craziness to see that twinkle in the eye and the mega chocolate-smeared smile on their kid's face.

monotonous desire

Lately I have been pondering over my integrity towards my hearts desire of my service to God. I realized that while I truly wished to see my friends come to Christ, see my CG girls grow into women of Christ and see myself mature in God’s word, I am approaching a state of what I term –‘monotonous desire’.

It struck me one night while I was praying for the salvation of some of my close friends. It dawned upon me that my prayer for them had become routine. Not ritualistic, I don’t consider my prayer as compulsory but a sincere desire to see my friends experience the same love I have experienced, and for myself to be that living testimony. Yet, I repeat almost the same words, praying the same thing, and not quite making that difference. Have I lost the fire then? What has happened?

I realized that my desire was real. Or rather, I had the desire to have the desire for them. It was sincere and heartfelt but it did not necessarily bring me to my knees all the time, nor did I weep in tears for their salvation. I did not spend my day either in my workplace being the ‘living testimony’ as I hope to be, I do not send encouraging Bible verses to these people that I pray for and neither do I see them on a regular basis. My opportunity to interact with them and see my prayer have a chance to produce fruit is small.

I believe our Christian journey is as such. We sometimes reach a spiritual high, our cup overflows with such joy that we could almost dance and give praise in the streets like King David. But for a majority of the Christian walk, it is a slow monotonous walk. Do we still want to reach the goal? YES! Do we know what we are working towards? YES! The Christian journey is not always a sprint or even a jog. It isn’t even a skip or a dance down the happy gospel road. No, the road trip is really long, so we just walk.

I believe walking is an act of faithfulness in itself. I like to think of an analogy from the Bible – the march of the Israelites in the Wilderness for 40 years. Recently, Loy showed the interns pictures of where the actual Wilderness was. The wilderness was not a land flowing of milk and honey, but rather cold hard rocks where the weather is at odds with your wishes, and no soft place to lie your head on. It is here, where the Israelites spent 40 years in circles. We know the story- they complain, they grumble. I think that their grumbling and complaining is understandable. Not forgivable, but comprehensible.

Yet in their complaints, God kept faithful – Deuteronomy 29:5 says “During the forty years that I led you through the desert, your clothes did not wear out, nor did the sandals on your feet.” Our Christian journey may be tiresome, and it will last for tens of years, but God has promised that He will be faithful. He will not wear out our sandals or our clothes. With the gospel of peace on our feet, the breastplate of righteousness and the belt of truth, we put on the full armor of God that can last for more than 40 years.

So for the next forty years at least, just keep walking. Its alright if we dont run or dance to a rhythm that sometimes disappear. But dont give up, dont stop. Just keep walking in faith even with a monotonous desire.